FOOD OF THE SPIRITUAL KIND

July 2^nd, 2008

2115 HRS

Lately I was on this sojourn (thanks Prof. Bhoop) to one of the most beautiful places in this country, hell I might even take it as far as on this lonely planet. I refer to Mc Leodganj. Well ok I might be a bit biased for this opinion as the conditions may be a bit favourable to give this kind of a rating to the famous destination. McLeodganj or Upper Dharamshala as it is called, for the unwary is the seat of the Buddhist religion in exile from its native Tibet. Situated in Himachal Pradesh at an height of near about 1.5 km above sea level, its supposed to be the only place apart from Cherapunji that receives the highest rainfall.

Well that’s enough for trivia. What I gained from this trip apart from peace, a final goodbye of sorts (I knw u r reading and will blast me for this) and oodles of weight, was another journey if u may, deep into the subconscious of my ever cynical mind.

ok well there comes a part in mans life wher he would love to talk about it rather than pouring it out on cyber space.. so let this be that one post that i wasnt able to complete just because....

i love u all for readin or not reading

umm this is a piece of fiction

any similarity with anyone living or dead is purely coincidental

whatever happens happens for the best

"Sahaj subah jo hoe so hoe" - Gurbani

i start this new morning in the best possible way. ok so i read in the pot, who dsnt???

there was this article in the TOI titled "Lets Just Accept what Cannot be Changed""...

Maybe this was the thing for me. Being a Cancerian I have a thing that makes me claw on to the past matlab i tend to stick on to it, the good memories et al , this article told me to leave it. It helped me so badly in putting things into perspective tha i have vowed to keep it near me and whenever i have my next depression phase, my best friend is just a wallet away. often we pursue goals that are if not difficult but unrealistic, we pursue them with un dying faith n determination that our persistence will some day yeild results. But each day the goal goes distant and distant and we bang our head against the wall in utter frustration.

it said "Sahaj subah jo hoe so hoe" ie when u fall in line with your "karmic destiny" life glides forward like a dream. life just fows o'er obstacles. Frustration can be as meagre as a delay in promotion or major failure in a long deep meaingfull relation.

so it tells us maybe we dont get what we want cz life has something better in store for us, quoting an example a mother dsnt let her infant play with s knife even thou he throws a tantrum cz it is not advicable for him , in defense it is actually harmfull, so the next time u ask god or whoever u turn to remember that he / she dsnt want u turn your hurting to bcome an open wound.

in conclusion when you cooperate with your karmic destiny and internalise the law of acceptance, things just start happening. your inner struggle is over. and your goals and intense desires are fulfilled in a mystical ways

for these words of wisdom i thank Ms Aruna Jethwani. i keep these words with me from the time i ve read them.

February 2^nd, 2008

2057 HRS (military ishtyle)

The saga continues

Today I finish the second step in eliminating the presence in my life. I go through all the places I can think there is some thing that would remind me of all that I intended to forget. I go through all my notes, I pick up all those cards, all the notes, all the bills tabs of places I visited ( I know im pathetic, but ask any cancerian cusp, he’ll secretly confess of hanging on to those little things that mean all the moments in life). I find a hair band with that sweet fragrance still lingering in it. I find all the stupid movie stubs, I find the airlines ticket that took me to …….. I found pictures gifts clothes and all that jazz, and I pile it up and planned to annihilate it all before it overwhelmed me. But alas I was a bit too late, something strong came o’er me that forbade me from spillin the kerosene and just light it to ashes. I just couldn’t smoke away the best days of my life up in smoke like that. It meant more to me than anything I could conjure up in my mind at that moment.

Well that’s that, and now the final steps that remain were to erase memories from all those stupid networkin sites, from my phone books, and all the calendars with the birthdays and the anniversaries et al. God gimme strength to take it all in. I figure if it solves in the coming year ad a half then life could be better. I always complain that my life sucks but I know at this moment of time it sucks more than any period of time in my life. Im unemployed, stuck in a crummy college, with a future that’s bleak and vague. Even if I wanted to win it back I wasn’t in a position to do so. I think if at the end of my extended worthless education I can make up for all my shortcomings and then prove to the world (my world) that I infact have grown up to realise my place in it then I would be able to conquer it all, but till that time I just have to wait and to build up on me as an individual as a career person and as a “me”. So here I pray in hope that I’m not too late.

I write this in a blog as I don’t have

1. anyone reading it

2. no one to talk to

3. even if I have some one to talk to the words dt come out of my mouth

I ve lived my life to take everything as a man. I know the importance to hide the truth from people. My body language may be transparent for all to see through me but its impossible to hear the words from my mouth. I had one confidante who I could talk to length about any freakin topic but ive lost tht too and here I lie with emotions swelling me to a point that I may explode. My only release is this virtual environment which absorbs every thing I throw at it.

Exit

February, 1^st, 2008

00.54 AM

I lie awake, unable to sleep. Sleep a word that has been as alien to me for so long now that I have forgotten what is it to lie in the arms of a woman that exudes love from every contour of her body.

I sit here typig and contemplating the words of a wise yet famously immature woman that resounds in my ear just like when she said it a couple of days ago. You work so hard and toil for that one thing in life that you desire but when you get it, you take a time out and ask yourself if this is what you wanted all along. Is this it? Somehow it looked a little different than the moment I dreamt of it in my dreams

Well just yesterday I found closure on my mostest importantest part of my life till now and will rank as one of those most important turning points in my life all over. I have finally made peace with a part of my life that caused these insane sleepless nights. Nights that were lined by tears curses wishes and a bit of I don’t know what. Well atleast I have found the courage to face up my fears and stare them back and proclaim that I ca live my life without u. a life that would be not just difficult but I will try never the less.

Let me tell u some, its not all fairy tale for me now. Life sucks even more than it used to suck before. But I gotta learn somehow, right ? I ve to learn how to survive, I ve to learn how to fight when your heart desires the opposite. I ve been burnt stabbed lobotomised had my heart wrenched outa my chest. And tere is this feeling of void emptiness and ………..

I can whine all nigh long tell you (or no one) about my plight of sadness, how this world and its people wronged me but it would be all but a big waste of time. As there is no one here who’d listen and promise me and deliver me either from this time or bring back those moments that refuse to let me live. I’m stuck in a time warp that floats all those moments right in front of me. This is a pathetic plea from a desperate man. This is when the desperate man just surrenders to this big heap of emotion punishing him back into the hell hole he so wanted to get rid of and be spared from.

This is the pathetic man sign out for the night.

Au revoir

January 25^th, 2007

To see her again is a breath of fresh air. A sight for these sore eyes, which are distraught watchin my petty life just wane in front of me. Things start happening in side of me which brings me hope fills me up with energy and more importantly ecstasy. To hear my name come from those lips, beckoning me just to dream of a life that I thought was shut off in a fairy tale. To touch those fingers that held me more than just my hand, as a gesture of formality. The smell of her designer perfume overpowering all senses and stimulus from the nearby vicinity.

I live to forget to start afresh but there are “things” that don’t let me do so. I wake up to the taste of her in my mouth just to see that I am all alone. Pathetic , pathetic that is wat I tell myself. Ur pathetic in capital italicised bold and underlined letters. In reality, as per this society I’m majoring in business administration, whatever that means. But the reality of my consciousness I am researching on patheticness (if that is a word) ps if it aint then im applyin for a patent. Rahul bose in PKSE said men need to listen to sad songs to make them cry. But my dead insides devoid on any tears needs nothing more than a memory as a mere stimulus to open the cascade of lachrymal secretions that I deemed depleted.

This world is cruel, its cruel and unjust and completely devoid of any sentiment for the lonely. Valentines, flower day, chocolate day, is it just another way to rub it in. Mockin in our face as if to say that I am a freak an abnormality of nature which deemed this state on to me. Look at that guy, cant even get a date on the new years. In the movies the guy who takes his cousin to the prom, at least he gets his girl in around 2 hrs. When does that happen in real life? Fuckers make big money by supplyin us with bucket full of bull and then secretly , behind our backs relax with a beer in hand and mock at us.

Tell me o mighty one when does this barrage of insults end, when will single and “non-single” people be treated equally. And then there are the married ones. You know the only thing married people have is a guaranteed workin dick and a wallet to boast of. Don’t take me wrong its not that people who aint married have a properly functioning dick but marriage is just a way of proving it to the world.

So I end today’s ramblings and scepticism by saying no matter what you will never be happy “single” or “committed” or even “married”. So if your thinking to jump into any relation or break up then do it now coz then you would never know how things would have turned out if you would have had remained the same. Ok on a more serious note if ur facin such a dilemma then ask your self which would make u less miserable and ah yes if ur decision is based on the fact that he / she is better off without you just coz ur her main source of pain and agony then “u better get selfish man cz u ll end up feelin like shit” other wise go on the les miserable theory.

Peace out

8^th January, 2008

I stand not fulfilling my resolutions but every effort I make brings me that much closer to me, my views of life that I thought were unique to me and my reality, buti could not be any wrong”er”. Tonight sitting in my room , my room in blessed Ludhiana, the city that makes me fall to sleep. Ok so it doesn’t make me fall asleep literally but yes it does make me wanna eat my brains out. I mean literally cry in despair, I know its not the city but the state my sojourn deemed my god damn life that makes me feel so so.. I just cant find the words to say it. Words fail me can u believe there are times when words fail my emotions. The worst part is that people feel the wrath that is not entirely aimed at them, but they get the main brunt of its burning effect that they wonder if the even did anything to deserve such a faith. My apologies go out to everyone who has been at the receiving end of it. I know those people will seldom be reading this and I guess that’s why I am apologising omn this front coz I know that I can never face you and say that I truly am sorry. My actions betray my intentions, well betray isn’t the exact word I would like to use here but my actions portray a darker image of my darker inside that becomes even sinister as I peep therough it. And the worst part is that even writing about it doesn’t make it any better. It makes it worse, something that I couldn’t believe could happen.

Moving on to brighter things gimme a sec so I can gather up my happy place. No its not me prancing around with teletubbies ( remember those weird coloured giant aliens that were just frightened my little cousin to oblivion.

Yes now that I am in a state that would be deemed otherwise to my previous condition or former self or “halo”

Happy New Year

Starting a new year with a resolution to blog more frequently. At least now i will not be havin any sort of an excuse to pardon myself from being so incosistant.

I started this new year by getting back in touch with people i had long back forgotten to be in touch with. i mean not everyone, but yes people i was too afraid to call on a regular basis. well my nextresolution was to write with proper grammer et al but i dont see that happenin soon. my list continues as

3 loose weight , stop binging
4 be more patient
5 get a spiritual aspect of things ( not religious but spiritual)
6 overcome committment phobia
7 get a more positive outlook, i tend to look at the worst case scenarios a lot

to forgive yet not to forget



I write in the nothingnesss tht envelops me in the void ppl like to call as my life. they say "zindagi ch kadi vi udaas ni rehna chahida" .. wat is one to do when u feel nothing but "udaasiness" in this stinkhole of what "i" call as the exaggeration of space-time continuum. Life in a broader sense of living points out companionship as a fickle part of a symbiont relation which lasts not more than the moment when the purpose of one of the partner is fullfilled or in human psyche jargon when one gets shit bored of the other.... but this is just a mere genralisation. I am but a cynic in this planet damning every one to the hell of "relationship status: single" . In reality, contrasting all my jibberish there is a sweet innocent existence of a myth called " true love" which has a very naughty almost "puck like" character ... disappearin in and out of reality , playin tricks and keepin the myth alive by showin it only to a selct few, maybe to those who deserve it the least while in while givin it a "el dorado" kind of a mystical presence, which makes every man and woman running after it.

but to me its nothing more than the carrot on a stick in front of a donkey just to make sure it goes faster ...... People are very amusing creatures.. as Shakespeare once said " nature hath created strange people in her time" even though the are aware of all evils/ vices related to it , the still run after it as hounds after that stupid dummy rabbit at the tracks. what is it that .. oh i get it now.. its the forbidden fruit syndrome... that makes it mystical enuff for u to go tail wagging and tongue hanging after it.... they say keep ur love life mystical and him/her squirm for ur attention .... if it was attention wat i was after then i d either join the army( standin in attention all day - i knw bad joke) or i would join the circus( a-la raj kapoor in mera naam joker)

my thoughts are to provoke the blind existence every one so dreamily follows but it does the opposite, it just makes u psycho - analyse my inner depths which actually r the least of my worries and interests. if at all u ppl think im a scorned warrior in the battle of love which i lost .. then u r wrong .. al what i have lost is ..... me

my last post is lost......... well why couldnt blogger get this new auto save turned on a few days back....


wlll any ways here i start new....

BLOG WILL MAKE ME FAMOUS

blogs . you know wat came into my mind when i heard the word blog for the 1st time.... i sounded like a green monster which would be the latest addition to the mutants in Half Life 2 (TM)

Ok seriously i scavnge across the WWW to find blogs , i regularly go thro a the blogs of repute tht google identifies. and im a regular on a blog of one of my friend rajan,and well one of my cuz's bnlog thou he is dipped in controversy at the moment

ok back to blogs, after readin so many of them i wonder, are these ppl for real, has the warmth of a companionship been replaced by typing ur heart for anyone to see. what of those things tht u kept from everyone jus so that u could tell it to this one person. Now makin ur feelings read and heard across borders is just a "qwertyuiop" away... i dont question the changes tht have become the characteristics of not just the youth but the society(oh How i hate this word!!!!)
I questio nthe reason .... the reason that has made ppl pour out their heart to strangers tht could well be psychotics with a past of violence (just speculating) ..... I find it hard to believe tht some one can just ( i think i am doing it right no) but wht i cant stomach is the fact to obtain popularity they would just type anything they feel like ..... for 15 minutes of fame..(ok its definately more than 15 ) but come on ...

oh this just sucks.... cheque please !

Running outa Cute names for Me blog


This blob since now has just been a means for me to throw out this frustration tht i feel at times coz of various reasons be it "HER" or be it ne thing else n my life.

But now i vow to make it a sacred piece of literature which will not just be an object of my anguish despair and hatred but something that I would revel in times of solitude and lonliness. Something that will upp my spirits from the dumps to heights never eached before. What I have always wanted from my life is nothing but satisfaction, satisfaction that I am not the only one in this universe but one the many that roam on this god forsaken planet , tryin to really question no only life and its purpose but aso time and the events that go through it , giving it its benchmarks and characteristics. i have always in my life not only wanted for an uplifting but revival of my soul and the body that carries it. I ask you to recognise my ingenuity of spirit and invidualism that i exhibit not just in my actions and beliefs but a hope that this world may be realistically ideal not just for me but for any one. Without friction they say we wont walk but we can glide smoothly not just to the end of our life but achieve the true aim of evolution before this world is consumed in confusion hatred ehaustion and eventually into a untimely armageddon. ..... to be contd

BLOGGER’S BLOCK

Hmm its been a while since I have seen u … croons staind in his single of the same name..

But it has really been a while that I have written a single alphabet in this god forsaken blog of mine. Ok I ll start with filing in the gaps … since I stopped or as some ppl say after I got a bloggers block (got a nice ring to it aint it) I have landed up a ob .. im currently in delhi … bharat ki rajdhani… and since then I was one of the millions stuck in a rut … running the rat race to nowhere… it sucks to be working …. And tht too for some 1 else ….matlab dnt take it wrong it aint a bad thing .. n the learning experience is invaluable…. But I never thought I would be a part of this rat race … its not tht Im too good for this or im better than this its just that I never thought I would be a white collar guy.. I mean im the least white of the whites but come on …

Well I have lamented long and hard but from now on I will ..err survive ???? :D

Before any thing else this is a PUBLIC APOLOGY TO ALL THE PPL WHO HAVE BEEN HURT BY MY STATEMENTS ie my boss ….nothing was targeted at you but only at my own incompetence’s

Well getting back to he point livin by yourself is a diff experience.. its not like those livin in hostels n all.. I mean like havin n runnin ur own house .. its totally an experience that counts or that stands for something… gosh ma hats off to u for doing all tht we take for granted …. Neva in me life had I thot tht runnin a house was really tht hard…. Its not like prison work but man keeping tab of everything takes shit load of time energy and fatigue

But its fun… washin sweepin and just basically a carnival… but dunno how long it ll last .. b4 all these chores start bein a pain in the rear...


HOPE FULLY tht willl never happen....


BACHELORS RULE :D