February 2^nd, 2008

2057 HRS (military ishtyle)

The saga continues

Today I finish the second step in eliminating the presence in my life. I go through all the places I can think there is some thing that would remind me of all that I intended to forget. I go through all my notes, I pick up all those cards, all the notes, all the bills tabs of places I visited ( I know im pathetic, but ask any cancerian cusp, he’ll secretly confess of hanging on to those little things that mean all the moments in life). I find a hair band with that sweet fragrance still lingering in it. I find all the stupid movie stubs, I find the airlines ticket that took me to …….. I found pictures gifts clothes and all that jazz, and I pile it up and planned to annihilate it all before it overwhelmed me. But alas I was a bit too late, something strong came o’er me that forbade me from spillin the kerosene and just light it to ashes. I just couldn’t smoke away the best days of my life up in smoke like that. It meant more to me than anything I could conjure up in my mind at that moment.

Well that’s that, and now the final steps that remain were to erase memories from all those stupid networkin sites, from my phone books, and all the calendars with the birthdays and the anniversaries et al. God gimme strength to take it all in. I figure if it solves in the coming year ad a half then life could be better. I always complain that my life sucks but I know at this moment of time it sucks more than any period of time in my life. Im unemployed, stuck in a crummy college, with a future that’s bleak and vague. Even if I wanted to win it back I wasn’t in a position to do so. I think if at the end of my extended worthless education I can make up for all my shortcomings and then prove to the world (my world) that I infact have grown up to realise my place in it then I would be able to conquer it all, but till that time I just have to wait and to build up on me as an individual as a career person and as a “me”. So here I pray in hope that I’m not too late.

I write this in a blog as I don’t have

1. anyone reading it

2. no one to talk to

3. even if I have some one to talk to the words dt come out of my mouth

I ve lived my life to take everything as a man. I know the importance to hide the truth from people. My body language may be transparent for all to see through me but its impossible to hear the words from my mouth. I had one confidante who I could talk to length about any freakin topic but ive lost tht too and here I lie with emotions swelling me to a point that I may explode. My only release is this virtual environment which absorbs every thing I throw at it.

Exit