umm this is a piece of fiction

any similarity with anyone living or dead is purely coincidental

whatever happens happens for the best

"Sahaj subah jo hoe so hoe" - Gurbani

i start this new morning in the best possible way. ok so i read in the pot, who dsnt???

there was this article in the TOI titled "Lets Just Accept what Cannot be Changed""...

Maybe this was the thing for me. Being a Cancerian I have a thing that makes me claw on to the past matlab i tend to stick on to it, the good memories et al , this article told me to leave it. It helped me so badly in putting things into perspective tha i have vowed to keep it near me and whenever i have my next depression phase, my best friend is just a wallet away. often we pursue goals that are if not difficult but unrealistic, we pursue them with un dying faith n determination that our persistence will some day yeild results. But each day the goal goes distant and distant and we bang our head against the wall in utter frustration.

it said "Sahaj subah jo hoe so hoe" ie when u fall in line with your "karmic destiny" life glides forward like a dream. life just fows o'er obstacles. Frustration can be as meagre as a delay in promotion or major failure in a long deep meaingfull relation.

so it tells us maybe we dont get what we want cz life has something better in store for us, quoting an example a mother dsnt let her infant play with s knife even thou he throws a tantrum cz it is not advicable for him , in defense it is actually harmfull, so the next time u ask god or whoever u turn to remember that he / she dsnt want u turn your hurting to bcome an open wound.

in conclusion when you cooperate with your karmic destiny and internalise the law of acceptance, things just start happening. your inner struggle is over. and your goals and intense desires are fulfilled in a mystical ways

for these words of wisdom i thank Ms Aruna Jethwani. i keep these words with me from the time i ve read them.

February 2^nd, 2008

2057 HRS (military ishtyle)

The saga continues

Today I finish the second step in eliminating the presence in my life. I go through all the places I can think there is some thing that would remind me of all that I intended to forget. I go through all my notes, I pick up all those cards, all the notes, all the bills tabs of places I visited ( I know im pathetic, but ask any cancerian cusp, he’ll secretly confess of hanging on to those little things that mean all the moments in life). I find a hair band with that sweet fragrance still lingering in it. I find all the stupid movie stubs, I find the airlines ticket that took me to …….. I found pictures gifts clothes and all that jazz, and I pile it up and planned to annihilate it all before it overwhelmed me. But alas I was a bit too late, something strong came o’er me that forbade me from spillin the kerosene and just light it to ashes. I just couldn’t smoke away the best days of my life up in smoke like that. It meant more to me than anything I could conjure up in my mind at that moment.

Well that’s that, and now the final steps that remain were to erase memories from all those stupid networkin sites, from my phone books, and all the calendars with the birthdays and the anniversaries et al. God gimme strength to take it all in. I figure if it solves in the coming year ad a half then life could be better. I always complain that my life sucks but I know at this moment of time it sucks more than any period of time in my life. Im unemployed, stuck in a crummy college, with a future that’s bleak and vague. Even if I wanted to win it back I wasn’t in a position to do so. I think if at the end of my extended worthless education I can make up for all my shortcomings and then prove to the world (my world) that I infact have grown up to realise my place in it then I would be able to conquer it all, but till that time I just have to wait and to build up on me as an individual as a career person and as a “me”. So here I pray in hope that I’m not too late.

I write this in a blog as I don’t have

1. anyone reading it

2. no one to talk to

3. even if I have some one to talk to the words dt come out of my mouth

I ve lived my life to take everything as a man. I know the importance to hide the truth from people. My body language may be transparent for all to see through me but its impossible to hear the words from my mouth. I had one confidante who I could talk to length about any freakin topic but ive lost tht too and here I lie with emotions swelling me to a point that I may explode. My only release is this virtual environment which absorbs every thing I throw at it.

Exit

February, 1^st, 2008

00.54 AM

I lie awake, unable to sleep. Sleep a word that has been as alien to me for so long now that I have forgotten what is it to lie in the arms of a woman that exudes love from every contour of her body.

I sit here typig and contemplating the words of a wise yet famously immature woman that resounds in my ear just like when she said it a couple of days ago. You work so hard and toil for that one thing in life that you desire but when you get it, you take a time out and ask yourself if this is what you wanted all along. Is this it? Somehow it looked a little different than the moment I dreamt of it in my dreams

Well just yesterday I found closure on my mostest importantest part of my life till now and will rank as one of those most important turning points in my life all over. I have finally made peace with a part of my life that caused these insane sleepless nights. Nights that were lined by tears curses wishes and a bit of I don’t know what. Well atleast I have found the courage to face up my fears and stare them back and proclaim that I ca live my life without u. a life that would be not just difficult but I will try never the less.

Let me tell u some, its not all fairy tale for me now. Life sucks even more than it used to suck before. But I gotta learn somehow, right ? I ve to learn how to survive, I ve to learn how to fight when your heart desires the opposite. I ve been burnt stabbed lobotomised had my heart wrenched outa my chest. And tere is this feeling of void emptiness and ………..

I can whine all nigh long tell you (or no one) about my plight of sadness, how this world and its people wronged me but it would be all but a big waste of time. As there is no one here who’d listen and promise me and deliver me either from this time or bring back those moments that refuse to let me live. I’m stuck in a time warp that floats all those moments right in front of me. This is a pathetic plea from a desperate man. This is when the desperate man just surrenders to this big heap of emotion punishing him back into the hell hole he so wanted to get rid of and be spared from.

This is the pathetic man sign out for the night.

Au revoir

January 25^th, 2007

To see her again is a breath of fresh air. A sight for these sore eyes, which are distraught watchin my petty life just wane in front of me. Things start happening in side of me which brings me hope fills me up with energy and more importantly ecstasy. To hear my name come from those lips, beckoning me just to dream of a life that I thought was shut off in a fairy tale. To touch those fingers that held me more than just my hand, as a gesture of formality. The smell of her designer perfume overpowering all senses and stimulus from the nearby vicinity.

I live to forget to start afresh but there are “things” that don’t let me do so. I wake up to the taste of her in my mouth just to see that I am all alone. Pathetic , pathetic that is wat I tell myself. Ur pathetic in capital italicised bold and underlined letters. In reality, as per this society I’m majoring in business administration, whatever that means. But the reality of my consciousness I am researching on patheticness (if that is a word) ps if it aint then im applyin for a patent. Rahul bose in PKSE said men need to listen to sad songs to make them cry. But my dead insides devoid on any tears needs nothing more than a memory as a mere stimulus to open the cascade of lachrymal secretions that I deemed depleted.

This world is cruel, its cruel and unjust and completely devoid of any sentiment for the lonely. Valentines, flower day, chocolate day, is it just another way to rub it in. Mockin in our face as if to say that I am a freak an abnormality of nature which deemed this state on to me. Look at that guy, cant even get a date on the new years. In the movies the guy who takes his cousin to the prom, at least he gets his girl in around 2 hrs. When does that happen in real life? Fuckers make big money by supplyin us with bucket full of bull and then secretly , behind our backs relax with a beer in hand and mock at us.

Tell me o mighty one when does this barrage of insults end, when will single and “non-single” people be treated equally. And then there are the married ones. You know the only thing married people have is a guaranteed workin dick and a wallet to boast of. Don’t take me wrong its not that people who aint married have a properly functioning dick but marriage is just a way of proving it to the world.

So I end today’s ramblings and scepticism by saying no matter what you will never be happy “single” or “committed” or even “married”. So if your thinking to jump into any relation or break up then do it now coz then you would never know how things would have turned out if you would have had remained the same. Ok on a more serious note if ur facin such a dilemma then ask your self which would make u less miserable and ah yes if ur decision is based on the fact that he / she is better off without you just coz ur her main source of pain and agony then “u better get selfish man cz u ll end up feelin like shit” other wise go on the les miserable theory.

Peace out

8^th January, 2008

I stand not fulfilling my resolutions but every effort I make brings me that much closer to me, my views of life that I thought were unique to me and my reality, buti could not be any wrong”er”. Tonight sitting in my room , my room in blessed Ludhiana, the city that makes me fall to sleep. Ok so it doesn’t make me fall asleep literally but yes it does make me wanna eat my brains out. I mean literally cry in despair, I know its not the city but the state my sojourn deemed my god damn life that makes me feel so so.. I just cant find the words to say it. Words fail me can u believe there are times when words fail my emotions. The worst part is that people feel the wrath that is not entirely aimed at them, but they get the main brunt of its burning effect that they wonder if the even did anything to deserve such a faith. My apologies go out to everyone who has been at the receiving end of it. I know those people will seldom be reading this and I guess that’s why I am apologising omn this front coz I know that I can never face you and say that I truly am sorry. My actions betray my intentions, well betray isn’t the exact word I would like to use here but my actions portray a darker image of my darker inside that becomes even sinister as I peep therough it. And the worst part is that even writing about it doesn’t make it any better. It makes it worse, something that I couldn’t believe could happen.

Moving on to brighter things gimme a sec so I can gather up my happy place. No its not me prancing around with teletubbies ( remember those weird coloured giant aliens that were just frightened my little cousin to oblivion.

Yes now that I am in a state that would be deemed otherwise to my previous condition or former self or “halo”

Happy New Year

Starting a new year with a resolution to blog more frequently. At least now i will not be havin any sort of an excuse to pardon myself from being so incosistant.

I started this new year by getting back in touch with people i had long back forgotten to be in touch with. i mean not everyone, but yes people i was too afraid to call on a regular basis. well my nextresolution was to write with proper grammer et al but i dont see that happenin soon. my list continues as

3 loose weight , stop binging
4 be more patient
5 get a spiritual aspect of things ( not religious but spiritual)
6 overcome committment phobia
7 get a more positive outlook, i tend to look at the worst case scenarios a lot